


so sorry

by jennshiki



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Depression, Langst, Sad, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, lance feels like he's not good enough, suicidal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 20:32:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9624245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jennshiki/pseuds/jennshiki
Summary: “You’re only here because the best pilot in your class flunked out.”Even on earth, Lance was nothing. Not anyone special, not anyone memorable. And now that he was in space, millions of somethings away from earth, stuck in a castle with the best pilot in his class, a genius hacker, an amazing leader, a great cook and engineer, and a princess of an alien species and her adviser, Lance was even more of a nothing.(basically lance is sad, and he's on a planet when he discovers a cliff. you can infer what happens next)





	

“You’re only here because the best pilot in your class flunked out.”

Even on earth, Lance was nothing. Not anyone special, not anyone memorable. And now that he was in space, millions of somethings away from earth, stuck in a castle with the best pilot in his class, a genius hacker, an amazing leader, a great cook and engineer, and a princess of an alien species and her advisor, Lance was even more of a nothing. 

Everyone around him seemed to just have something more. Something extra that contributed to the team. Everyone but him. 

He was trapped with all this talent, and what little morsel of self-confidence he had was crushed by the pressure. Nobody had time to pay attention to him, especially when nothing he did or said seemed to be appreciated. No matter how hard he tried to be acknowledged, someone else would always be better than him. Always.

Lance felt so lonely and unneeded, and he tried not to let it to get to him, but he was so emotional. He couldn’t stop caring. But the worst part of it wasn’t his feelings. He’d had these feelings before and he dealt with them. The problem was that he couldn’t just leave. He was stuck in this castle, so if he told someone, eventually everyone would find out and he would have nowhere to run. He’d have to face everyone and explain himself, and that was the one thing he could not do. 

Lance couldn’t possibly complain about self-confidence issues when he knew that everyone else was dealing with something far worse. He was trapped. So even though he was constantly tortured by the voice that told him he wasn’t good enough, he had to pretend like he was okay. He couldn’t let the other paladins realize his trivial feelings, or else he’d be even more of a burden on them than he already was. Every single second of the day, every second he smiled, every laugh he forced out, was painful, but what other choice did he have?

The only time he could relax and let the mask crumble away was at night, when it was time to sleep. But even though it meant that he would finally have a few hours of privacy, he hated it. Because with no one else there to distract him, no one to talk to, he’d be alone with just him and the voice in his head. And that voice would fill up the silence with so many whispers that he couldn't block out, because they'd be coming from inside. The constant flow of negative thoughts that were pushed around in his mind made him want to scream. Every night, he lied there wide awake, shaking and breathing heavily, his head feeling like it would explode.

Tears would brim the edges of his eyes as he tried to silence the taunting voices, but he'd blink them away. He couldn’t let himself cry. There was no one who would see him, but still, it was like a challenge to himself. _If you cry, then you must really be as weak as you think you are. Are you just a baby who just misses his mommy and daddy? A baby who can’t do anything by himself? A baby that can’t do anything at all?_

He wasn’t good enough. He was nothing. No one needed him, no one wanted him, and nobody ever would. How could anyone ever accept him when he was so useless? 

Lance didn’t know how to stop these voices. He knew that it wasn’t another voice, another thing. It was himself talking to himself. And the moment he chose to stop saying these things was the moment he’d stop hearing them. But for some reason, he just couldn’t, and the fact that all this pain was his own fault drove him crazy.

He tried to get through it by instilling false hope and convincing himself that it would get better, but the whispers only got worse.

-

When the castle was traveling to a planet, they were ambushed. Lance remembered getting into Blue and flying out, feeling nervous and tense. His heart was felt especially heavy that day, weighing him down along with his armor. 

There were so many ships, and so many lasers. A huge laser had grazed his lion, and Lance could feel Blue’s fear as the entire lion shook. Despite the very small impact, Lance could feel Blue’s uneasiness. The lasers were so powerful. One direct hit could mean the end. 

Blue’s fear was soaking in and mixing with his own. His heart was racing so fast, and he felt panic slamming into him like a boulder. It had never been like this before. He’d always felt thrilled and exhilarated when he fought with Blue, but now all he was, was scared. His self-esteem was at an all-time low and he had no trust in himself at all. Still, he didn’t want to be useless. He had to prove to his team that he deserved to be here, that he was worthy of being a part of them. He needed to prove to everyone that he _was_ good enough. He needed to prove it to himself.

And so, blinded by his fear and misguided determination, he pushed through, weaving through the lasers as he tried to get close enough to attack. He was so focused, so focused on trying to stay focused, that he didn’t even realize that there were ships surrounding him until it was too late. They had formed a small circle around him and were moving in. There was no way out. 

His plan had backfired. He had tried to prove that he could do this, that he wouldn’t screw up the one job that he had, but instead he had proved that he was the weakest link. Everyone was forced to come rescue him, and that led to the Galra gaining the upper hand. Voltron was forced to retreat. All because of Lance’s foolishness.

-

When they got back to the castle, Lance’s stomach lurched as he took his time getting out of the cockpit. He took a deep breath before stepping out of the lion, preparing himself for the angry lecturing that he was most certainly going to receive. The moment he peeked out, he found that his entire team was waiting for him outside his lion. The moment they laid their eyes on him, the torture began.

“How many times do I have to tell you Lance? You have to think. Use your brain. You can’t just go in and do things without a plan, or without telling us. We’re a team.”

“You cost us this mission!”

“What were you thinking?”

“Stupid!”

“You should know better.”

“You ruined everything.”

Everybody seemed to have something to say to him about his mistake, even Hunk and Coran. 

Lance could feel himself begin to tremble, but he forced himself to shape up and take it. He had it coming. Everything they said was true. It was all his fault. 

“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again,” he whispered.

Nobody seemed to notice the defeated tone of his voice. Apparently, his apology wasn’t enough, and the lecture continued.

His face felt hot, but not as hot as his eyes as they began to water with tears. Lance breathed and blinked them away. He was not going to cry in front of his whole team. He was not a baby, he was a defender of the universe now. He couldn’t show how weak he was. But most of all, he knew that if he couldn’t take the criticism now, there was no way that he could survive later. Because it wasn’t Keith or Shiro, or even Allura that would pummel him with the harshest words. It would be himself.

When the lecture finally ended, everybody scattered to think by themselves, leaving Lance alone. He slowly made his way to his room, eyes heavy with unshed tears. Inside, he felt like he was being torn apart. There were so many feelings and it hurt so much trying to keep them all inside and hidden away.

He was so tired of trying, so tired of caring. Wearing his mask took too much effort, and what was the point? Nobody really bothered to notice how he was feeling. Nobody paid any attention to him. He should just let go of the mask. Sharing his feelings was unthinkable, but so was pretending that he was fine. Just imagining having to wake up every morning for the rest of his life and paste on a smile was unbearable. He was done with this. 

He wanted to cry, but that was the one thing he would not let himself do, despite everything else that he had given up on. He couldn’t let himself be so vulnerable. He couldn’t give the voice in his head the satisfaction of knowing that it was right all along. That he was nothing.

-

The next day, Lance caught the uneasy glances in his direction as he walked into the kitchen. They were all waiting for him to say something, to break the tension. He knew that, because it was what he always did. It was what he would’ve done. But he was so tired of everything. He could care less about the awkwardness between everyone and him. He didn’t feel like joking, didn’t feel like smiling, didn’t feel like laughing, so why should he? But still, common sense told him that he had to act normal or else everyone would be worried about him. He couldn’t make them worry. That was selfish. But today, Lance just couldn’t find it in his heart to care.

He filled up his plate with the space goo, with mouth closed and silence still hanging in the air. Nothing could change the fact that no one needed him, and never would, so why should he keep trying? Still, the thought of his teammates worrying over his lack of a smile bothered him more than he wanted it to. So he put in a little effort.

“Morning.” 

Lance added a weak smile along with his simple greeting. It was the least he could do.

The word hung over the room, and it only seemed to make everything tenser. 

Lance could see the expectant look in everyone’s eyes as they waited for him to say more. They expected it. Well Lance just wasn’t feeling it, so he took his plate, and walked out of the room, fully aware of all eyes on his back.

-

For a week, everything was so awkward. Nobody knew what to do. They weren’t used to Lance acting this way. And for the first time, they realized the value of Lance’s meaningless chatter. It filled up most of the quiet, and helped to lighten the mood. Sure, things went much faster and more efficiently without Lance’s comments or jokes, or without him bickering with Keith, but it didn’t feel right. 

At one point, Keith even tried to start an argument with Lance himself. 

“The red lion is better than the blue lion.”

Lance knew what he was doing, and he had to cringe at such a poor attempt at making him mad. Maybe at another time, he would’ve said, “Is not,” and their exchange of words would’ve escalated into a fight. But Lance was too tired. 

“Sure, if that’s what you want to think.”

Keith was speechless, and everyone else in the room was too. 

-

His teammates repeatedly asked him if he was okay. Allura even apologized to him of her own accord, for being a little harsh. But Lance said he was fine. He told them that nothing was different. He felt the same way he’d always felt. And that was the truth. This was how he felt since forever. That he was unwanted. That no one needed him there, that that he would never be good enough. That everything would be better if he as gone.

-

About a week later, Allura had fallen ill, and had landed the castle on a planet, sending all the paladins off to a jungle to search for the herbs to make a cure.

Lance stumbled as he trudged through the thick undergrowth of the jungle, purple plants and trees coated with slime standing in his way, making Lance grimace. 

He’d been walking forever, with no sign of what he had come to find, when he came to a cliff. Blue grass waved in the wind, and in the grass was the purple flowers that matched the pictures Allura had shown him. Finally.

Lance bent down and reached out with his fingers, gently plucking the flowers one by one, splitting the plants from their red stems. He spent about five minutes doing that, the simple task proving to be a good distraction from any voices in his head. But when he was forced to stop because he could barely hold what he had gathered in his arms without spilling it all, he had to face the thoughts he was trying to push away. 

He was standing on a cliff. He hadn’t wanted to think about it, in fear of what he would convince himself to do. But now he couldn't help it.

A warm breeze swept over him, but he still shivered as he stood there, staring at the steep drop just a few feet ahead of him. He gently set down the bouquet and walked forward, inching towards the edge.

One step off and it would be all over, wouldn’t it? Without him here to hold everybody back, they could find a better replacement to be the blue paladin. If he jumped, it would be for the good of everybody. But no, that was a lie. Taking his own life when it was so vital to saving the universe was the most selfish decision he could possibly make. And no matter what excuses he made for himself, he knew that it was true. 

He didn’t really want to die, did he? He thought he liked living. But what was there to live for anymore? His life was just a constant cycle of fake smiles, hiding his feelings, always being on edge, and always being scared of how his mistakes could cost everything. It was a constant cycle of struggling, with no escape. He wanted to go home, to see his family again so badly. 

All these feelings were overwhelming and it was becoming too much. 

But if he just took a step, all these feelings would be erased. He wouldn’t have to worry anymore, to struggle. If he jumped off the cliff, he wouldn’t have to miss his family anymore. If he was dead, he wouldn’t have to worry about saving the universe. He’d be gone. 

Death seemed so much easier than life. And Lance was so unbelievably tired of living his particular life. One step and it would all be over. One step. Just. One. Step.

Lance inched forward again, even closer to the edge than he was before. No one would miss him. He’d be doing the world a favor. 

He was so close. His toes were right over the edge. Even a slight nudge would send him off. Looking down, Lance couldn’t even see the bottom. It was so deep. He would die for sure, and who knows if anybody would be able to find him.

What did it matter? He was going to die eventually, and he could even die tomorrow in battle. The only difference there was between dying now and later was that one option meant more struggling, and more pain. The choice should’ve been obvious. And when Lance looked down, the dark depths almost seemed welcoming. Like open arms ready to embrace him. Ready to consume him, and rid him of this life. 

He would’ve jumped. He really would have. But then there was a voice.

“Lance, what are you doing?”

It startled him and he flinched. That single small movement caused him to lose balance, and his body began to lean over and fall. _Oh._

Then he felt fingers wrap around his arm and yank him back and onto safety. Away from the edge, away from salvation. He fell backwards onto the grass, and immediately turned around to see who it was. Keith. 

But it wasn’t just him. Pidge, Hunk, and Shiro were standing right behind Keith. His whole team was here. His whole team had just witnessed him considering whether or not to jump off a cliff. 

“What the hell!?” exclaimed Keith angrily. But the anger was laced with concern and disbelief.

“Lance, what were you doing?” cried Hunk, rushing forward.

Pidge and Shiro came forward as well, and suddenly everyone had surrounded him, staring with alarmed and anxious looks. 

“Lance, why would you…,” whispered Pidge. 

“You should’ve said something if you were feeling like _this_ ,” said Shiro, his eyes full of fear and worry.

“I can’t believe this. If we didn’t get here in time, you really would’ve jumped right?” continued Keith.

Lance felt so small, so weak, and so vulnerable. He felt his breath becoming shaky as he tried to convince himself that this was not happening. There was no way this was happening. His eyes flitted from face to face, taking in all their panic. They knew everything now. All his feelings were out in the open. Should he lie? Say that he was merely looking at the view? There was no way they would believe that, especially not with the way he’d been acting for the past week. But he couldn’t face his problems. He was too much of a coward. 

So instead, ignoring any common sense, he stood up in a flash, broke through the gap between Keith and Pidge, and made a run back towards the cliff. His heart raced as his feet pounded against the dirt, legs moving faster than ever. If he could just make it to and off the edge, it’d be over. He’d never have to deal with anything again.

“LANCE!” 

They all screamed his name. But he was almost there, just inches away! Freedom was so close! Lance couldn’t think at all during those moments, didn’t want to think. He only had one goal, which was to run away. He was a coward, but fine, so be it. He just couldn’t face his friends. That was the one thing he could not do.

He almost made it, with one foot off the edge. If he had had another second then he would’ve jumped and fallen. And he would’ve died. But multiple pairs of arms grabbed his own and jerked him backwards.

This time his friends dragged him far back into the jungle until the cliff was no longer in view. 

He was so screwed. 

“Lance.”

He couldn’t tell whose voice it was that said his name because it was a hoarse sob. Lance winced. He slowly raised his head to look at each of his friends. They looked so breathless, so scared, so worried. And it was all his fault. This wouldn’t have happened if he wasn’t here, if they had somebody better who wasn’t as selfish and weak as he was. He was making them worry, making them sad. They didn’t deserve the burden that Lance put on them. He felt so, so bad.

“I-I’m sorry,” he whispered in a hoarse voice.

And then he couldn’t help it. The tears started falling so fast that he didn’t even have time to stop them, and before he knew it, his entire body was shaking with sobs. He instinctively hid his face in his hands, and curled up, trying to close off from the rest of the world.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

He was so stupid. He screwed everything up. He couldn’t even disappear without his friends finding out and stopping him. He felt so bad that his friends had to know somebody like him….he felt so, so bad.

“I’m so sorry,” he gasped. 

“Lance… why are you saying sorry?”

He could hear sniffles and then suddenly there were arms around him. Someone was hugging him, no everyone was hugging him. It was so warm, and it was so nice….but they were only doing this out of pity and it made Lance hate himself even more. 

“We should be saying sorry! We didn’t realize you were……we should’ve reached out more when we noticed you were acting different…I’m a horrible friend…”

Lance shook his head. No, no, no, no, no, no. Stop. They were great friends, perfect friends. He just wasn’t good enough….why were they apologizing to him when it was his fault….everything was his fault....he was so weak.

“No, everything’s my fault. If only I wasn’t here, you guys…..would be much better off…I’m sorry for being so useless…..I’m so sorry…”

Lance could hear himself whimpering, and he wanted just to erase himself. This situation was so embarrassing. It was a nightmare. He was crying in front of everybody, and they all knew how he felt now. He never wanted this to happen because now things would never be the same. Everything would be so weird….oh god why couldn’t he just die? He couldn’t do anything right, not even end his failure of a life.

“Lance! Stop!”

Hands pried his own away from his face and he was forced to look at everybody. 

“Don’t say that. You are so much more important to this team than you think you are, and I’m sorry that we couldn’t make it feel that way,” said Shiro with a gentle sternness. 

Lance sniffed. Nonsense. Couldn’t they just give it up already? They didn’t really care. 

“You aren’t useless! You’re my best friend, and you’re a great guy to be with,” insisted Hunk. 

Lance sighed. They were only saying these things to make him feel better. It meant nothing. 

“We need you here,” said Pidge, tightening her embrace.

“The team wouldn’t be the same without you.”

Lance looked at Keith. Even _he_ was saying nice things. Lance groaned. Why, why, why. If he’d been a little faster, it would be over. Or maybe if he had just toughed it out and kept on smiling, everything would still be okay. Everything would still be normal. 

“Please stop….you don’t have to lie to me to make me feel better about myself,” said Lance, running his hands over his eyes and through his hair. 

“Why do you think that we’re lying?” exclaimed Pidge, a slight frustration tainting her words.

“Because none of these things that you’re saying are true. You don’t need me here. Nobody needs me anywhere because I can’t do anything right," he shrieked, voice hysterical before it faded into barely a whisper.

There were a few seconds of silence. Keith was the first one to break it.

“How did you get that idea into your head? You’ve done a lot for the team. We’re all a part of a family, and it’s not complete without you.”

Lance wanted to scream. They were just saying the same things over and over again, and it meant nothing. None of it meant anything. 

“Lance, we do need you here. Not only that, but we _want_ you here.”

This went on and on, a cycle of supportive words meeting disbelieving ears, until Lance was just tired. He wanted to sleep, and he knew this wouldn’t end until he stopped being stubborn and told them that he understood. 

“I’m sorry for making you guys worry, I don’t know what I was thinking, really. Can we go back to the castle now? It’s been a long day,” he asked. He even managed a reassuring smile in hopes of convincing them that he was being genuine.

The worried looks on their faces didn’t disappear, but they all agreed that it’d be better to head back and let Lance get some rest. Lance stood up and turned, beginning to walk back in the direction of the cliff. Immediately there were cries of protest and his friends grabbed at him.

“Geez, guys I just need to get the flowers that I picked for Allura. She’s sick, remember?” sighed Lance. This was why he didn’t want them to know. They’d all be keeping a sharp eye on him now.

“Don’t worry about that, Keith can go fetch them. Meanwhile, we should head back,” said Shiro firmly. 

Looks like they really weren’t going to take any risks. The intense sadness that he had felt was now replaced with annoyance. But now that the original determination that he had had faded a bit, he was starting to feel a little glad that he was still alive. His friends did in fact seem to care about him a bit, or at least were very good at pretending they did.

When they arrived at the castle, Allura met them at the gate in a bathrobe with puffy red eyes and orange skin.

“You guys look like a mess! What happened out there?”

Everyone looked at Lance, and his own eyes must’ve still been red from crying, or something of the sort, because he could see the realization dawn on Allura. 

“Alright, get in here, you guys look like you could use some rest.”

**Author's Note:**

> lance is my favorite character but i love seeing him suffer....yeah I really wanted to read a fic like this w a suicide attempt or something of the sort, but I couldn't find one so I was like heck I'll write one myself
> 
> please tell me what you think !! I'd love to hear your opinions !
> 
> I really didn't know how to end this, it ended up way longer than I expected /D I might do a short epilogue/sequel or maybe even a version from another pov or something
> 
> I didn't do any research on depression or anything,, a lot of this was just from experience/personal feelings/thoughts (i'm only 13 though so i don't know how relatable my own feelings are) and how i'd imagine how things would go down . so i hope i portrayed it somewhat accurately !


End file.
